As a fun distraction, here are a few jokes about lawyers. Brian

The staff at a local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions tried to persuade her to contribute and said, "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "Firstly, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way representative mumbled, "Um... No."

"Or", the lawyer continued, "that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way representative began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted when the lawyer added, "Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident", the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way representative, completely beaten, said simply,
"I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut the official off once again, "So if I don't give money to them, why should I give any to you?!!"

Out of curiosity, an accident victim and his lawyer attended a revival meeting being conducted by a traveling evangelist preacher who had acquired a large following and an excellent reputation.

Much to their surprise, they discovered that the evangelist truly had the power to heal. He laid his hand on a blind man and the man jumped up, shouting, "I can see! I can see! Bless you, Father, bless you!" Then the preacher touched a deaf man and said, "Tell me your name." The man jumped up, shouting, "I can hear! I can hear!"

Seeing the accident victim, in a wheelchair, with multiple casts and bandages, the minister approached. Suddenly, the lawyer stood up. "Don't you dare touch him! The trial isn't until next week!"

The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

1. There are now more attorneys than there are rats.
   
   
2. The medical researchers don't become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.
   
   
3. No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won't do.

There is a new statute in Pennsylvania that all lawyers must be buried at least 20 feet under the ground.

They've found out that, deep down, all lawyers are really good.

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap. When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind. The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.

Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was. The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, 'You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!' The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, 'Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!'

Recently, Lawyer X decided to take a vacation and booked a trip on a luxurious cruise liner. He was having a great time, but one afternoon had a little too much to drink and slipped over the railway into the sea. Suddenly, several shark fins could be seen moving swiftly toward him. However, when the sharks reached Lawyer X, they unexplainably hoisted him onto their backs and allowed him to grab hold of a rope which had been lowered down from the ship. Lawyer X was then pulled up onto the liner's deck. One of the passengers who had witnessed this entire incident exclaimed, "That was a miracle!" The passenger next to her, however, put things into a slightly different perspective. He responded, "That was no miracle, that was just professional courtesy."

When Lawyer X awoke, the chief surgeon remarked, "Wow, that was a close one. You almost died." Lawyer X responded, "I know. I was actually in Hell for a few minutes. The doctor asked, "You were? What was it like?" Lawyer X replied, "Well, it was warm, there were concerts and baseball games everywhere, and everybody was very nice." Based upon this experience, Lawyer X became less concerned about his ethical practices.

About 20 years later, Lawyer X died. He was returned to Hell. But, things were a lot different now. Taskmasters constantly barked out orders, he toiled day and night, and no one treated him (or anyone else) in a kindly manner. Thinking that maybe some type of mistake had been made, Lawyer X arranged an appointment with the Devil. At this meeting, Lawyer X voiced his dissatisfaction, "When I was here two decades ago, everyone was nice and concerned about my needs. What happened?" The Devil peered into one of his record books, and then smiled up at Lawyer X. "Oh, I see why you're so surprised. Before, you were here during our summer program!"

"What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?"... An offer you can't understand.

Melvin had a date with Marlene. She asked him if he knew anyone who could "double" with her roommate, Cheryl. Melvin invited his attorney friend Bruce to join them. However, once they were all together, Bruce incessantly talked about himself (how he had cleverly done this, didn't like that, enjoyed doing so and so, etc.). After about two hours, Bruce noticed that the rest of his party was blankly staring into space as he spoke. Suddenly realizing that he had been unbearable, Bruce declared, "Oh, I'm very sorry. I've been talking about myself all night. I'm going to be quiet now and let each of you describe what you like about me!"

 

 

INDICATORS THAT IT'S TIME TO MOVE ON

1. Every staff meeting starts with, "I'm sure everyone here is relieved that Jim left. His work was going steadily downhill." Meanwhile, Jim took a higher paying job at a more prestigious firm.

2. Several lawyers in the firm's most recent directory have already left.

3. You pace around the telephone at your desk, hoping you haven't alienated any of the various legal recruiters who have called you over the years.

4. The firm advises you that parking is now a generous "perk."

5. You know each member of the night cleaning crew by their first name.

6. You're instructed to begin taking your vacations in quarterly hour increments.

7. You begin each morning by changing the date on the draft of your resignation letter.

8. Most of what you talk about with your friends who are lawyers is the headhunters they've used in the past.

9. Management's response to the highly stressful work environment is to joke about those "poussies" who just can't seem to tough it out.

10. You come to work early each day to enhance your resume.

11. Most of your speeddial numbers are now for headhunters.

12. You recognize that it's a weekend or a holiday only because the support staff isn't in and there are fewer client calls.

13. Members of the typing team anxiously begin asking you, "Doesn't spending so much time at the office hurt your social or family life?"

14. You're constantly fantasizing about almost having a life (e.g., only having to bill 60 hours per week).